Enneagram and Betrayal Trauma
Today I’m recording on Jackie Brewster’s Podcast. She’s an influencer with over 87,000 followers on Instagram! She’s a good friend of mine and has always been super supportive of my work. She has dear friends that have experienced betrayal trauma in the worst way - very public and devastating.
Her passion and Instagram account are all about the Enneagram. On her podcast, I’ll be sharing my experience as a therapist - working with Betrayal Trauma. I’m an Enneagram 7 (the enthusiast). Enneagram 7s often avoid pain. I completely recognize this in myself and fight to feel my own feelings.
With you - I want to dive right into the pain with you. I really do. I know the way out is to go through the pain. When I created the Video Series, I had images of past clients in my mind. I spoke right to them. Most of the videos were just one take. It’s not super slick, but it’s authentic.
More than anything, I don’t want anyone to have to go through it alone. I know I can’t actually be with you in the flesh - but maybe you’ll feel me a little in the Video Series.
For those of you that are preparing to be with family for Thanksgiving - I really hope you can find little moments of peace. I hope you can breathe, feel comfort from a friend and hang on to any glimpse of “I’m not alone in this pain” that you can find.
I’ll leave you with this - Jackie asked me to write a post intersecting the Enneagram and the clinical work that I do. Here’s what I came up with:
“If you’ve studied the enneagram, you know the root of our numbers are embedded in relational pain. We hurt in relationships and we heal in relationships. What that looks like is different for each number. Kelly Bourque is an expert in relationships. She helps couples heal from relationship injuries. Here’s what she’s noticed in her office:
Enneagram 1 - Seek information in order to fix. This number is very skilled at ‘google.’
Enneagram 2 - Flip flops between angry and hopeful. The anger or the hope is often contingent on their partner owning their behavior.
Enneagram 3 - Comes to session with a notebook and pen. This person is very upset when they learn they can’t achieve in therapy.
Enneagram 4 - Lost in sadness, has a hard time nailing down a specific trigger when asked.
Enneagram 5 - This one wants to understand the process you’re using. Give them the therapeutic map, and they’ll open up.
Enneagram 6 - A little compassion goes a long way with this one. Being in therapy is scary, but not being in therapy is scary.
Enneagram 7 - Tells a joke to avoid the pain or gets squirmy in the chair.
Enneagram 8 - Tests the therapist a bit, but then is “all in” once the therapist shows they can handle the heat.
Enneagram 9 - Quick to give “the right answer” or might speak in riddles. Anything to make the therapist and their partner feel good about the work.”
If you’re feeling alone, you need support! I created the video series I mentioned above just for you. 37 videos and journal prompts - all here to validate your pain and help to make sense of your responses from a neuroscience perspective. This series is on sale! $297 NOW $97.
Signs of Deception and What to Do
Q: What are some signs of deception in a relationship?
A: People who are actively hiding something will usually be very defensive or agitated when confronted. Sometimes they will gaslight - trying to take the attention off the deception and onto the person who is confronting them.
Q: What's the difference between deception and lying?
A: Deception is a manipulative strategy - leaving out parts of truth or just not coming out with the whole truth. Lying is more about making up a story or answering a question with the opposite of what's true.
Q: Why do people deceive their partners?
A: The motivation of deception varies depending on the person. Some people don't have awareness of their behavior - in a way it's like they've convinced themselves of the lie.
There are some that self-reflect and realize they have a deeper, often unconscious motivation: to prevent being left or rejected, they're not fully there. This of course pushes their partner away. But, they protect themselves from being rejected because they haven't actually risked in an emotionally vulnerable way.
Q: How does deception harm relationships?
A: Without transparency, you can't build trust. Without trust, a relationship will eventually fall apart.
Q: Is omitting information a form of deception?
A: Absolutely, omitting information is a form of deception. Sharing only the information that will help or protect you is the opposite of trusting your partner.
Q: What can you do if you find out your partner has deceived you?
A: The aftermath of finding out about a deception is brutal. If it's a betrayal (like an affair), there's often a big reaction or a trauma response. It's best not to navigate this alone and seek professional help.
Q: How do couples rebuild trust after it's been broken?
A: Couples can rebuild trust. It's a long and sometimes painful process - but with good help and enough safety (where both partners have the same goal of rebuilding trust and committing to transparency), there is great hope.
Q: Is there ever a good time or reason to deceive your partner?
A: If one partner is objectively unsafe in a relationship, they might need to lie in order to get out of the relationship.
Q: Should you break up with a partner for deceiving you?
A: Whether someone decides to stay or leave after being deceived is a personal decision. It's common to feel crazy for wanting to stay, but also be afraid of leaving. A professional is trained to help people come to their own decisions. People don't get into relationships overnight - it makes sense that even for those who want to leave, they can't do it overnight.
*If you’ve been deceived, you need support! Kelly Bourque, LMFT has created a video series just for you. 37 videos and journal prompts - all here to validate your pain and help to make sense of your responses from a neuroscience perspective. This series is on sale! $297 NOW $97
Danger in Social Media "Therapy Speak"
What is "Therapy Speak?" It’s when people mimic what they hear from Mental Health Influencers on Instagram or TikTok, and it runs the risk of coming across as inauthentic. In an effort to use therapy language to connect or explain yourself, make sure you at least add your personal spin on it. Don't forget to bring yourself to conversations - not just the latest-trending therapy speak.
Mental health social media accounts are meant to be a supplement to therapy - that's it. When people self-diagnose (or worse - diagnose others) based on what they've read or heard on Social Media, it has the potential to ruin relationships, jeopardize careers, etc. No life decision should ever be based on these self-identified diagnoses with no real clinical assessment or basis.
TikTok or Instagram influencers know what they're doing. People want a "how to" or "what is it" with a quick "5 steps" that will leave their audience believing it will solve their unique problem. Mental Health Influencers know how to speak to pain and offer solutions. Even if they are therapists and their content is solid, they have to summarize a tip or tool in a short, entertaining way. That means it will never be fully clinical. There are always exceptions and disclaimers that just aren't sexy to spell out in a reel.
As the listener, before you get too excited about your next solution to try, remember there are always disclaimers and exceptions. Take everything with a grain of salt. Bring yourself to conversations (not just the latest trendy therapy phrase). And don't make big decisions based on what you're consuming on social media.
If you’re following an influencer and you’re looking for some encouragement or guidance - I hope you find it! If you feel you need more, we’re here! Reach out if you want to take the next step and get paired with a counselor.
Why Do People Cheat?
Why do people cheat? Of course, there isn’t one answer to this question. For those who are personally impacted, the answer has to come from the one who stepped out of the relationship (never from an article or even a therapist). Nevertheless, a reporter asked, and Kelly (owner of Red Therapy Group) attempted to answer:
Reporter: According to recent studies on the subject, people cheat for two primary reasons: their sex life isn't satisfying, or they're craving novelty. Can you explain why these are two factors that are within someone's control to change?
Kelly: An unsatisfying sex life or a relationship that has gone stale is often a sign that a couple is disconnected. If two partners are living like roommates - this is a relationship that's set up for infidelity. Not fighting doesn't necessarily mean a couple is connected. When you're deeply connected with your partner, there's a spark, freedom and playfulness. Connection takes two. Is disconnection a factor you can change? Yes - have a conversation with your partner! People who have affairs and stay with their partners to try to heal have so many regrets. The healing is excruciatingly hard. It's much easier to work on the disconnection that's leaving you unsatisfied than to heal from an affair.
Reporter: When someone feels the urge to cheat on their partner (say, with a cute coworker, an ex, or someone they met at a party), what can that urge tell them? Why are they considering cheating? Explain several different possibilities and how those factors might drive someone to cheat.
Kelly: People cheat for different reasons. Sometimes those reasons are a bit subconscious. Often when working with couples recovering from betrayal, the partner who stepped out of the relationship will say, "I have no idea why I did it." Later in the process of therapy, some of these reasons come to the surface:
A) To avoid pain. It feels good to be wanted and it's a nice escape from the hard reality of real life intimacy.
B) Avoiding rejection. Some people reject their partners to avoid the pain of rejection. Something in their past tells them it's inevitable that they'll be alone - so they sort of make it happen.
C) "Come and get me" - sometimes people have affairs to get their partner's attention. This one isn't that common - but it does happen.
D) To feel accepted - but in a temporary, lower-risk way than actual vulnerability. Affairs are not real life - it's easy to feel accepted when you're not doing real life together. When real life happens (parenting, job stress, extended family), the relationship is put to the test. An affair is like connection in a bubble - it will eventually burst.
Reporter: Please share some advice on how to cope with these urges. What can someone do to stop themselves from cheating? What steps might they want to take in their relationship to prevent them from wanting to cheat?
Kelly: Go to couples therapy! The best gift you can give your partner is transparency and honesty. Of course your partner won't want to hear, "I thought about having an affair," but you can feel good about wanting to keep that from happening. Eventually your partner will appreciate it too.
Reporter: Do you ever recommend telling your partner you thought about cheating? Could that ever be beneficial or do you think it'll always do more harm than good?
Kelly: If you choose to tell your partner you thought about cheating, make sure you follow up with steps to improve the relationship. Initiate couples counseling. If it's a serious thought and you try to willpower your way out of it - you're just kicking the can down the road. At the very least, seek individual therapy and then make a decision about the choice to share your urge to cheat.
Have you been cheated on? Kelly has created a video series specifically for those who are recovering from infidelity. 37 videos and journal prompts are on sale now - $297 $97!
10 Things to Say to Your Partner to Avoid the Resentment Trap
1. "I love you." It's simple and maybe feels overdone, but when partners don't hear it, they notice. "I love you" with a look in the eyes, a small kiss at bedtime, a flirty wink - it carries a lot of weight.
2. "I appreciate when you ______." In life, we do appreciate little things, but we're so busy we forget to say it out loud. If you take time to say it, your partner feels the impact of that little move, and it's motivating to keep doing it! This is how you can get into a positive cycle with each other - the more I do this thing that makes your life easier, the more you show me how much it matters, and then I want to do more.
3. "You look so sexy when_______." If you don't take the time to flirt or bring to attention your attraction to each other, you can quickly move into a comfortable place (too comfortable!) and lose that spark.
4. "It hurts me when_____." We have to be clear about what we feel. If you move past your own relationship hurts, it'll come out sideways.
5. "I noticed you ________." If you anticipate your partner's needs and simply let them know you noticed, that helps your partner feel not alone in the harder parts of life.
6. "We used to do _______, but look at us now!" Celebrate relationship wins. Notice a time you would have gotten into a fight, but instead were able to slow down and navigate a hard time together. Maybe you got mad at the thing instead of each other! That’s is a huge win. Take time to say this out loud - it builds relationship confidence.
7. Get specific with your compliments. "The way you told that story made me laugh so hard. I love getting to be with the part of you that's so funny." That's different from "You're so funny." The more specific, the more special.
8. "I wouldn't want to do this life with anyone else." Remind your partner that you're each other's number one. Say it with genuine feeling, and it will help reassure your partner just how important they are.
9. "I'm really struggling with _______." Let your partner into your struggles - even if they're not about your relationship (work, parenting, friendships). When you confide in each other, you build trust.
10. Inside jokes are brilliant connecting moves. They bring lightness and fun to a relationship, and the fact that it's "inside" makes you feel like you have something together that no one else can be a part of (in a good way).
What happens when you try these phrases? You may notice a positive difference, or you might feel like it doesn’t move the needle at all.
Reach out if your relationship needs more than these tips. Maybe you need a deeper dive into what’s driving the disconnection. We’re here to help.
Email our Care Coordinator, and we’ll connect you with a therapist that’s just right for your relationship!
3 Signs You Might Be Experiencing PTSD after Infidelity
Many people say, “I would never stay with my partner if they cheated on me.”
For those who have experienced it, you know it’s not that simple. Maybe you have kids together. You’ve built a life together. Maybe you share a home together. You dreamed about a future together. Calling it quits in an instant almost never happens. First, you have to wrap your head around what actually happened.
The “finding out” is a traumatic moment. Maybe you saw something on your partner’s phone or computer. Or maybe someone told you. It’s both a numbing and excruciating moment in time.
What people don’t often expect is how harrowing the next few months can be. For some, those months are even worse than the moment they found out. The truth trickles out. You almost never get all the information at once. Even if you can understand why the truth doesn’t come at once (the person who cheated is often feeling incredible amounts of shame and they shut down), it’s still maddening.
The good news? You’re not crazy. More than likely you are experiencing PTSD. Like any trauma, your nervous system can’t process all the information at once. So, your brain is replaying things over and over - just trying to place it somewhere. You need to know: Am I safe? What’s real?
3 Signs You Might Be Experiencing PTSD:
Intrusive Thoughts or Images. If you’re driving down the street or in the shower or just walking to the kitchen and all of a sudden you have a thought that feels like it came out of nowhere (and it sends you spiraling) - that’s an intrusive thought. Those thoughts or images - you don’t ask for them. They’re a sure sign your brain is trying to place what happened. That’s a trauma response.
You scour the internet for information. This is a common coping strategy and it goes like this “If I understand what happened and why it happened, I can have control to make sure it never happens again.” The problem is - you feel worse after your google deep dive.
You have a loss of appetite. Your brain might decide the most important thing to do is establish safety in the relationship, even before nourishing your body. Physical threat and emotional threat register in the brain the same way. It’s possible that emotional safety is taking precedence over food. (Try to eat just a little - you need your energy and we care about you).
*This is a horrible thing to go alone. My betrayal trauma video series is now only $97 (a huge price reduction from the original price at $275). There are 37 videos and journal prompts, designed to help validate you in your pain and give neuroscience explanations to your responses.
Relationship Goal Setting: Intentionality Is Sexy
1) Why is it important to set goals in a relationship?
The very act of goal setting in a relationship is saying to your partner, "This is important to me. You are important to me." Just by being intentional, you're winning!
2) How can this help your relationship grow stronger?
If both partners come to the table with curiosity and openness, this can actually be an opportunity to bond. Most growth happens by working through hard things. It's less important what goal you come to. The act of having the conversation at all (with open hearts) - that builds relationship confidence!
3) What are some of the best actionable relationship "goals" you can set together, and why?
My favorite relationship goals focus on both the sexual and emotional bond. Romantic relationships need connection like a body needs water. The best way to connect is to get specific and tailor your goal to your relationship. Here are some examples of actionable goals that help with connection:
Sexual Connection Goal: Find a regular time (maybe once a week) to meet in the bed where you commit to "show up for your sexual selves." Get in the bed naked. Make sure there's no pressure or agenda - just see what happens!
Emotional Connection Goal: Find a regular time (maybe once a month) to go on a date. It doesn't have to be dinner. It can be walking through a favorite store or a park. The one rule is that you can't talk about kids or work.
Want more? Kelly Bourque, LMFT (owner of Red Therapy Group) was quoted in this Women’s Health article: 52 Relationship Goals that Will Strengthen Your Relationship
Setting goals is amazing, but sometimes that alone isn’t going to cut it. If your relationship needs more than an intentional sit down, consider a 3-day intensive. We get couples from all over the country flying in so they can level up their relationship!
You've Been Cheated On: Now What?
I can picture you. You’re tearful all the time. You have a million questions, but none of them get you any closer to where you want to be. You want it all to just go away. It’s like a nightmare you can’t quite wake up from.
You’re mad. You’re confused. You’re in excruciating pain.
Whether you’re reading this and this is you right now (you’ve just found out about your partner’s infidelity) or this was you years ago, unprocessed pain stays in the body and a trigger can bring it back up in a nanosecond.
If you’ve been cheated on and this infidelity is keeping you up at night - you need to know one thing: Betrayal Trauma is unlike any other kind of relational pain. Some relationships have a chronic disconnection that comes from a long-standing negative interactional pattern - a pain that is very real. Betrayal Trauma is more than that - it’s a specific injury in a relationship, like a break or a snap.
The experience of finding out is often quick, disorienting and impossible to process at once. It’s overwhelming. That’s the very definition of trauma. Put that trauma in the most important relationship of your life, and now it’s relational trauma. Betrayal Trauma.
Cheating, infidelity, affairs - they’re all so horrific for the person who has been blindsided. I look through a bonding science lens. I know that there's a good reason for what you’re experiencing. Your nervous system is set up to co-regulate with another safe human. You’re meant to rely on others for emotional safety. When that beautiful dance happens and your nervous system is humming with another nervous system, it gives you what you need to thrive as individuals. This is true for babies and for 60 year-olds.
When you feel the opposite of emotionally safe - to the point of not even knowing what’s real - your body is going to react in BIG ways.
That’s a trauma response.
Sometimes it’s helpful just to have a name for it.
What happened to me is trauma. My body is responding exactly as it should, and my need for emotional safety is hardwired into me.
As I write this, I’m holding you in my heart. I’m a couples therapist and I see this all the time. I also see people get through it. You won’t feel this way forever. Reach out for help if you haven’t already so you’re not alone in it.
If you want to feel better sooner rather than later, consider purchasing my video series: 37 short videos and journal prompts to validate and help make sense of your experience.
To locate a good couples or individual therapist in your area, go to iceeft.com.