Signs of Deception and What to Do
Q: What are some signs of deception in a relationship?
A: People who are actively hiding something will usually be very defensive or agitated when confronted. Sometimes they will gaslight - trying to take the attention off the deception and onto the person who is confronting them.
Q: What's the difference between deception and lying?
A: Deception is a manipulative strategy - leaving out parts of truth or just not coming out with the whole truth. Lying is more about making up a story or answering a question with the opposite of what's true.
Q: Why do people deceive their partners?
A: The motivation of deception varies depending on the person. Some people don't have awareness of their behavior - in a way it's like they've convinced themselves of the lie.
There are some that self-reflect and realize they have a deeper, often unconscious motivation: to prevent being left or rejected, they're not fully there. This of course pushes their partner away. But, they protect themselves from being rejected because they haven't actually risked in an emotionally vulnerable way.
Q: How does deception harm relationships?
A: Without transparency, you can't build trust. Without trust, a relationship will eventually fall apart.
Q: Is omitting information a form of deception?
A: Absolutely, omitting information is a form of deception. Sharing only the information that will help or protect you is the opposite of trusting your partner.
Q: What can you do if you find out your partner has deceived you?
A: The aftermath of finding out about a deception is brutal. If it's a betrayal (like an affair), there's often a big reaction or a trauma response. It's best not to navigate this alone and seek professional help.
Q: How do couples rebuild trust after it's been broken?
A: Couples can rebuild trust. It's a long and sometimes painful process - but with good help and enough safety (where both partners have the same goal of rebuilding trust and committing to transparency), there is great hope.
Q: Is there ever a good time or reason to deceive your partner?
A: If one partner is objectively unsafe in a relationship, they might need to lie in order to get out of the relationship.
Q: Should you break up with a partner for deceiving you?
A: Whether someone decides to stay or leave after being deceived is a personal decision. It's common to feel crazy for wanting to stay, but also be afraid of leaving. A professional is trained to help people come to their own decisions. People don't get into relationships overnight - it makes sense that even for those who want to leave, they can't do it overnight.
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