Why Do People Cheat?
Why do people cheat? Of course, there isn’t one answer to this question. For those who are personally impacted, the answer has to come from the one who stepped out of the relationship (never from an article or even a therapist). Nevertheless, a reporter asked, and Kelly (owner of Red Therapy Group) attempted to answer:
Reporter: According to recent studies on the subject, people cheat for two primary reasons: their sex life isn't satisfying, or they're craving novelty. Can you explain why these are two factors that are within someone's control to change?
Kelly: An unsatisfying sex life or a relationship that has gone stale is often a sign that a couple is disconnected. If two partners are living like roommates - this is a relationship that's set up for infidelity. Not fighting doesn't necessarily mean a couple is connected. When you're deeply connected with your partner, there's a spark, freedom and playfulness. Connection takes two. Is disconnection a factor you can change? Yes - have a conversation with your partner! People who have affairs and stay with their partners to try to heal have so many regrets. The healing is excruciatingly hard. It's much easier to work on the disconnection that's leaving you unsatisfied than to heal from an affair.
Reporter: When someone feels the urge to cheat on their partner (say, with a cute coworker, an ex, or someone they met at a party), what can that urge tell them? Why are they considering cheating? Explain several different possibilities and how those factors might drive someone to cheat.
Kelly: People cheat for different reasons. Sometimes those reasons are a bit subconscious. Often when working with couples recovering from betrayal, the partner who stepped out of the relationship will say, "I have no idea why I did it." Later in the process of therapy, some of these reasons come to the surface:
A) To avoid pain. It feels good to be wanted and it's a nice escape from the hard reality of real life intimacy.
B) Avoiding rejection. Some people reject their partners to avoid the pain of rejection. Something in their past tells them it's inevitable that they'll be alone - so they sort of make it happen.
C) "Come and get me" - sometimes people have affairs to get their partner's attention. This one isn't that common - but it does happen.
D) To feel accepted - but in a temporary, lower-risk way than actual vulnerability. Affairs are not real life - it's easy to feel accepted when you're not doing real life together. When real life happens (parenting, job stress, extended family), the relationship is put to the test. An affair is like connection in a bubble - it will eventually burst.
Reporter: Please share some advice on how to cope with these urges. What can someone do to stop themselves from cheating? What steps might they want to take in their relationship to prevent them from wanting to cheat?
Kelly: Go to couples therapy! The best gift you can give your partner is transparency and honesty. Of course your partner won't want to hear, "I thought about having an affair," but you can feel good about wanting to keep that from happening. Eventually your partner will appreciate it too.
Reporter: Do you ever recommend telling your partner you thought about cheating? Could that ever be beneficial or do you think it'll always do more harm than good?
Kelly: If you choose to tell your partner you thought about cheating, make sure you follow up with steps to improve the relationship. Initiate couples counseling. If it's a serious thought and you try to willpower your way out of it - you're just kicking the can down the road. At the very least, seek individual therapy and then make a decision about the choice to share your urge to cheat.
Have you been cheated on? Kelly has created a video series specifically for those who are recovering from infidelity. 37 videos and journal prompts are on sale now - $297 $97!