Torn in Tennessee

Dear Red,

I've been with my partner for five years now. We have two children together and have created a great life together. From the outside looking in, it seems nothing sort of perfect. But my partner is addicted to porn and has been our whole relationship. When I first found out about it, I was so hurt and felt like the ugliest person in the world. My self-esteem was hit hard. How did this happen to us? What was I doing wrong? We moved on and continued like normal, until this happened for the fourth time. This time I am so stuck on what to do. I love my partner and want the best for my family. But I am so deeply hurt. I do not want to be intimate with my partner. I don't even want my partner to touch me. I feel so betrayed. The one person I was supposed to trust the most. How do I get past this? How do we move on? How do I trust my partner again?

Torn in Tennessee

*****

Dear Torn in Tennessee,

Thank you for reaching out. I wish more people talked about this type of betrayal. It can be confusing. It's not an affair - and yet it can register in your brain/body just like any major betrayal.

When an attachment bond feels threatened, especially repeatedly, the pain is visceral. This isn’t just about porn. It’s about trust and emotional safety. Of course your body is pulling away. Of course you don’t want to be touched. Your nervous system is trying to keep you safe.

One of the hardest parts of this kind of betrayal is how quickly it turns inward. What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough? Your partner’s use of porn is not a measure of your worth, your beauty, or your desirability. Maybe you already know this in your head - it's harder to know it in your heart. In attachment terms, this isn’t about you being “not enough.” It’s about how your partner manages distress, disconnection, or internal pressure - often in secrecy, which is where the real injury happens.

And the repetition matters. You didn’t just “find out” once. You found out, you tried to move forward, and then the wound was reopened. Again and again. Each time, the bond took another hit. So when you say you feel stuck now, that makes complete sense. Your system is saying, I can’t just gloss over this anymore.

You asked three big questions: How do I get past this? How do we move on? How do I trust again?

The honest answer is: trust doesn’t come from time passing or from you pushing yourself to be okay before you are. Trust is rebuilt through consistent, emotionally engaged repair - not promises, not avoidance, and not you silencing your pain to keep things intact.

Moving forward means slowing this way down.

Your hurt needs room. Not to punish - but to be understood. Your partner needs to be able to stay present with the impact of their choices, not just the behavior itself. That’s the difference between “I’ll stop” and “I see how deeply this hurt you, and I want to understand what happens inside me that pulls me away from you.” Without that kind of engagement, your body will keep saying no - and it’s right to.

You are not broken for feeling this way. You are responding to a real attachment injury. And healing doesn’t start with forcing intimacy - it starts with safety, honesty, and emotional responsiveness being rebuilt over time.

You don’t have to decide everything right now. You don’t have to know whether you can trust again yet. What you do need is support - ideally from someone who understands attachment, betrayal, and how couples actually heal rather than just “move on.”

You are not crazy. You are not too much. And you are not alone in this.

If it's helpful - I have a betrayal trauma video series for the injured partner. It's done from an attachment perspective - validating trauma responses with bonding science knowledge.

With care,
Red