Frustrated in Franklin

Dear Red,

Family stuff has been really tough lately. It feels like navigating a minefield sometimes, with all the indirect jabs, unspoken expectations, and a general unwillingness to be truly open with each other.

For example, during the last family dinner, my mom made a comment about my career choices, disguised as a "well-meaning suggestion," but it really felt like criticism. Then, when I tried to explain my perspective, my dad immediately jumped in to defend her, and it turned into a whole thing. These kinds of interactions are becoming the norm, and I'm dreading the upcoming holiday gathering.

How do you even find a healthy balance in all of this? Is it possible to have genuine relationships with family members when everyone communicates so differently? And how do I stop feeling like I'm responsible for managing everyone else's emotions? I'm tired of being the peacemaker, the one who always has to smooth things over. Just the thought of family get-togethers makes me want to disappear!

I really need some guidance on how to move forward in a healthy way without completely losing it.

-Frustrated in Franklin

*****

Frustrated in Franklin,

You’re so not alone! I guarantee there are many readers nodding their heads in agreement as they read your letter. You’re trying to walk the line of working toward a meaningful relationship with your family while being true to yourself! You would love to not be a peacemaker, having to constantly be on guard and manage interactions. This is especially unfair when you get hurt.

I suspect that your family members aren’t on the same journey of emotional health that you are. My assumption is that you are very intentional about having honest, authentic and connected relationships - or you wouldn’t be writing to me.

Something that’s been helpful in my life is to adjust what I do and what I can expect with the nature of the relationship. So, for example - in my safest relationships, ones where I can be my true self and confidently work through any conflict, those are the relationships from which I can expect the most. 

In relationships that aren’t as secure, I just don’t expect as much - which sometimes looks like me not giving as much of myself. I don’t see that as being incongruent, though, because I know that the relationship itself just can’t handle the same emotional depth. In some cases, it’s just not appropriate to expect it to. 

You can still respond in a way that’s true to you (i.e. “Mom, that felt like criticism - even if you didn't mean it that way.”), but what happens next might need to be processed in your safest relationship. 

Sometimes people surprise you. When you let them off the hook and they don’t feel the unspoken expectation of what you really long for in a relationship - they’re more open.

Some people choose to heal adult child/parent relationships in family therapy. We have a Certified EFFT (Emotionally Focused Family Therapist) that would love to help you. Her name is Cindy, and she does both weekly parent/adult child sessions and family intensives. Click this link if you’re interested.

With you!
Red