Drifting in Dickson

Dear Red,

I’ve been with my partner for years. We have a life together - a home, shared memories, a rhythm. I care deeply about them.

But lately, I’ve been wondering something I’m afraid to even say out loud: Am I still in love?

I don’t feel the same spark I used to. We don’t connect the way we once did. There’s no big problem - just this lingering sense that we’re...off. That may be the part of me that felt romantic or excited has faded.

Is this what happens in long-term relationships? Is it normal to love someone but not feel in love?

I’m scared of what the answer might be.

-Drifting in Dickson

*****

Dear Drifting in Dickson,

Whew. You’re asking a big, brave question.

And before we go anywhere else, let me say this clearly: Yes. What you’re feeling is incredibly normal.

Almost every long-term couple hits this moment. The one where love starts to feel more like comfort than fire. Where the dopamine settles, and what’s left is a quiet loyalty - but not necessarily butterflies.

That doesn’t mean something’s wrong. It might just mean something needs to be seen.

Here’s the deal: being in love and loving someone aren’t always the same thing. The first often comes easily. The second is something you build - again and again - especially after the first round of magic wears off.

But you’re not wrong to miss that spark. And missing it doesn’t make you ungrateful. It makes you honest.

Instead of asking, “Am I still in love?”, I want you to ask: “Have we been nourishing the part of us that feels in love?”

Have there been small risks? Vulnerable moments? Effort, intention, curiosity?
Or have you both been doing life - side-by-side but on autopilot?

Relationships don’t stay warm just because we want them to. They stay warm because we keep feeding the fire.

And here’s the hopeful part: if you’ve loved before, you can love again - the same person, in a new way.

That’s what therapy can help with. If you’re both open to it, couples therapy creates space to name the drift and build your way back. It’s not about forcing romance. It’s about creating the conditions where intimacy can return.

And if you try - and nothing shifts - that’s information too. Either way, you get clarity.

So no, you're not wrong. You're not bad. You're just noticing the quiet truth in your gut.

And noticing is always the beginning of something honest.

With you,
Red