Longing to Connect in Nashville
Dear Red,
Things haven't felt quite right with my wife lately, and it's been weighing on me. We haven't been fighting or anything, but our conversations have become very basic, mostly just about schedules and tasks. I really miss when we used to understand each other so well.
Now, when I try to share what's going on with me, it doesn't seem to resonate. Maybe she's preoccupied, or maybe our communication styles have just changed. I'm not the most talkative person, but I really want to feel close to her again and also understand what's happening in her life. It feels like we're talking without truly connecting, and honestly, it's making me feel somewhat isolated in our own home.
As her husband, it's important to me to improve this. How can I encourage deeper conversations without sounding like I'm criticizing or placing blame? Are there effective ways to bridge this growing distance between us? This relationship is incredibly important to me.
-Longing to Connect in Nashville
*****
Dear Longing to Connect in Nashville,
I think it’s wonderful that you want a deeper connection!
The big question from your letter: “How can I encourage deeper conversations without sounding like I’m criticizing or placing blame?”
I’m going to give you two answers that will seem contradictory. Hang with me, though. It’ll make sense by the end of my response.
One of the best ways to not come across as criticizing or blaming is when you talk, place the emphasis on YOU, not your partner's behavior. Also - try to be as real and honest as you can - don’t overthink it. For example, “I really miss you. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to talk like we used to - a little deeper than just surface conversations, and I just feel like I’m not quite getting there. I don’t want you to feel blamed by bringing this up, so I’m trying to just share my heart. The bottom line is - I want to feel connected with you again.”
If you read the above script line by line - that would not go well, by the way. This has to be your words for it to be authentic. How would you word what you want to say if you keep the emphasis on YOU?
Let it be messy. Yes, try to be intentional and tender in your communication - but you can’t control how your wife is going to hear it. And you both deserve the space to misinterpret, get triggered, etc. Don’t let the fear of it “going wrong” keep you from sharing. In order to earn a secure relationship - you each have to take emotional risks.
So, bottom line - share about YOU, not your wife’s behavior and try not to overthink or control the communication.
The heart of what you want to share is you want a deeper connection with your wife. That’s a good thing!
If you find that after multiple attempts, there’s still something blocking your connection - consider couples therapy! Those that reach out before it gets too bad have a much shorter journey. (Which translates to less $$$ and an overall easier process.)
Click this link to get started.
Connection!
Red