Lost but Hopeful in Louisville
Dear Red,
I’m a 35-year-old man, and I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life. On the surface, everything seems fine—I have a stable job, good friends, and a loving family. But underneath it all, I feel stuck and disconnected, like I’m just going through the motions. I often find myself feeling irritable or down for no obvious reason.
I grew up in a household where men were expected to "tough it out" and not talk about their feelings. Even though I don’t believe that anymore, it’s still hard for me to admit when something’s wrong. I feel embarrassed even putting this into words.
At the same time, I’m tired of feeling this way. I want to figure out what’s holding me back and how I can move forward, but I don’t know where to start. How do I get over this fear of opening up? How do I even begin to make sense of what I’m feeling?
I’d appreciate any guidance you can offer.
Lost but Hopeful in Louisville
*****
Dear Lost but Hopeful in Louisville,
“Tough it out.” Yikes. Such a hard message for a man to overcome. On one hand, you don’t want to follow that line of thinking - but some part of you still can’t let yourself feel.
When you describe what you do feel (disconnected, going through the motions, down for no reason, irritable), it sounds like your emotions are stuck in the middle of the tunnel. Our emotions are meant to serve as a compass. They tell us what’s important to us, what we need and what we want. If they get to go through the entire tunnel, you’re able to see where you’re headed.
The younger part of you learned it wasn’t manly to feel. It makes sense that, instinctively, there’s judgment when you do feel. So what happens? You probably have a way to shut those emotions down. Then they just stay there - in the middle of the tunnel. Ironically, it takes a lot of energy to keep what you feel inside. A lot of people in your shoes describe feeling tired - and it has nothing to do with sleep.
Be honest with me - would you rather feel sadness and be able to actually cry about something, or would you rather just be happy?
Most people want to just get on with it already - and even I (a feelings expert) would choose happiness.
But I have to break it to you - knowing what you actually feel (the feeling before you judged yourself for feeling) is the secret sauce to actual happiness. It takes practice, and it takes facing the blocks that block the flow of emotion.
May I suggest therapy? You seem like someone who is motivated and ready for change. I don’t think you would have written if you weren’t.
There are wonderful therapists in Louisville - I suggest going to the iceeft.com directory to find a good fit. For those who are in Tennessee and resonate with this letter, click here and we can help you! There is a tunnel back to yourself.
Braving the tunnel with you,
Red