Second-Guessing in South Carolina
Dear Red,
I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, and he’s starting to talk about getting engaged. He’s a great guy—kind, hardworking, funny—and I know he loves me. But the thing is, I’m not sure if I’m ready or if he’s really the one.
We get along most of the time, but there’s stuff we don’t see eye to eye on, like how to handle money and how much time we spend with his family. Sometimes I wonder if these little disagreements mean something deeper, or if I’m just making a big deal out of nothing.
I also keep thinking, what if I say yes and regret it later? Or what if I say no and lose someone who might really be my person? Everyone around me says, “You’re lucky to have him,” but I don’t wanna get married just because it feels like the next step.
How do I figure out if this is cold feet or my gut telling me to wait? I just want to make the right choice, but I feel so confused.
Second-Guessing in South Carolina
*****
Dear Second-Guessing in South Carolina,
This may seem obvious (and forgive me if it’s too basic), but have you talked to him about this?
If the two of you can talk about this - it will inform so much!
When you imagine bringing it up, what happens? Could you talk about this in a clear way that invites a conversation? Do you imagine him getting upset and defensive or being hurt but willing to talk? Can you be open and vulnerable while also saying something hard?
In any relationship - there’s risk involved. That kind of conversation has all kinds of potential for reactivity. But, the ability to work together through real emotions (whether it’s about the relationship or something else) - that’s the bedrock of any stable couple.
It’s a bit Hollywood to assume that everything is just magic and you “just know” because you’ve never felt this way before, etc, etc.
Most couples have to work through fears about the relationship at some point in their history of being together. Even couples that get married with 100% confidence inevitably struggle when the hardness of life together kicks in, and they too have doubts.
Your potential ability as a couple to come together in the midst of doubt is what makes you strong. Having no doubt or no problems is unrealistic.
You’re the only one who can know for sure what you feel. You have to know what you feel to know what you need or want. Right now you’re confused, and you’re torn. There’s nothing wrong with that. It could mean he’s not the one. It could mean you need more time. It could mean he’s the one, and your heart would be scared about committing to anyone.
Regardless of where you land - you shouldn’t have to do this alone. If you haven’t already - talk to him about it. Take a relational risk. No one gets close by playing it safe.
You can do this,
Red