Feeling Empty in Fort Worth
Dear Red,
I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a bad person, but I don’t feel like I love my wife anymore. We’ve been married for 12 years, and she’s a great woman—really, she is. She’s a good mom to our kids, she works hard, and she’s always there for me. But me? I just feel... disconnected.
It’s not like we fight all the time or anything big happened. It’s more like we’ve drifted apart. We talk about the kids, bills, and what’s for dinner, but that’s it. There’s no excitement anymore, no spark. Some days, it feels like we’re just two people living in the same house, going through the motions.
I keep asking myself if this is normal or if it means something’s broken. Can you fall back in love with someone after feeling like this? Or is it a sign that we’ve just run our course? I feel guilty even thinking about this, let alone saying it out loud.
How do I even start trying to fix this? Or do I have to accept that maybe things can’t be fixed? I don’t wanna give up, but I’m not sure what to do anymore.
Sincerely,
Feeling Empty in Fort Worth
*****
Dear Feeling Empty in Fort Worth,
You’re not a bad person, and what you’re experiencing is normal. I get the guilt you feel in naming this - it’s because you care about your wife. You just want to feel something again.
Love isn’t something you fall in or out of. It’s something you have to nurture.
My partner and I joked the other day about how we treat plants in our home. We’ll take a potted plant out of the cold for the winter, but we don’t water it once it’s inside. We inherited a poinsettia from my Mom when they left town after Christmas. It’s sitting in our kitchen, dying a beautiful and slow death. We love our plants, and yet we do nothing to keep them alive.
Well-intended couples do this with their relationship, too. It’s easy to neglect something that’s not causing you immediate problems. Kids and careers demand more - and so the energy goes there.
Did you know the research points to three aspects of romantic love? Every couple has sexual, emotional and caregiving needs.
That’s helpful, right? It sounds like maybe you’re good on the caregiving side of things. You sound like good partners in life (you co-parent well together, run a house and you are responsible adults). You say she’s always there for you - maybe your emotional bond is also intact.
What about your sexual relationship? Couples that don’t fight that much, get along and feel like roommates are often a little too nice. There’s overlap in the emotional, sexual and caregiving aspects of love.
If I was your therapist, I would probably ask a lot of questions about your sexual relationship. When was it good, and what did it mean to you? When was the last time you felt that way, and what’s it like to talk about it? By the way - I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking about affection, flirting and feeling like your partner wants you.
Your sexual relationship isn’t dead. It’s just like the potted plant we have inside our house. It’s neglected, and no one’s thinking about watering it. The analogy breaks down here. There’s no fear in watering our plants. I bet there’s a bit of risk in “watering” your sexual relationship. What if it causes fights or drama? What if it messes up the good thing you do have?
At Red, we preach this all the time: “Anything worth having takes risk.”
See if you can risk a conversation with your wife about this. If it blows everything up - we know some good couples therapists. ;)
For those reading who are local, click here and we’ll get you set up! If you’re not in TN, go to iceeft.com and look in their global directory for a therapist near you.
Here’s to getting the spark back,
Red