Torn in Texas
Dear Red,
I have been struggling with my relationship and knowing how to move forward. We have aligned values and desires for our future, but our present isn't great. He has struggled with alcoholism for the duration of our six year relationship and lied about being sober for two years. He has now begun attending a weekly AA meeting. On one hand I believe in change and growth and how sticking with someone through their darkest moments can create a deep and beautiful bond. On the other hand, my needs are not getting met, and I can't be certain when or if they ever will be to their full extent. Should I stay or should I go?
Torn In Texas
*****
Dear Torn in Texas,
I hear your dilemma. On one hand, if you leave - you might miss the opportunity of creating something beautiful and new together. But, if you stay - you wonder, will your needs ever be met? You have to work through betrayal, and even though you can see he’s owning his alcoholism, you don’t know for sure what that’s going to look like long term.
Of course no one can actually tell you whether you should stay or go. There’s no right or wrong here.
Dr. Gabor Maté, addiction expert, says that the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety - it’s connection. So, it makes sense that even though your partner is sober now - that doesn’t necessarily mean your emotional needs are being met (or his, for that matter).
If you were to stay, you would be hoping for a journey toward secure connection - where everyone’s needs are met. In that secure bond, you would have the confidence of a relationship with full transparency. Full transparency in a healthy relationship goes beyond whether or not someone’s drinking or not drinking. It’s about being let in on a deeper level into your partner’s thoughts and feelings. It’s what we all long for - a safe and secure bond in which everyone can be known and felt.
As you consider whether or not to stay or go, I wish you all the best.
*To all Dear Red readers - if you have experienced betrayal, Kelly, owner of Red Therapy Group, has a self-paced video series to help those who are trying to recover. If you’re a client - this is something you can ask your therapist about - it’s free for Red clients!
Warmly,
Red