Overwhelmed in Oklahoma

Dear Red,

My family is in the midst of so many transitions. I can hardly keep my head on straight. Moving houses. Baby #2 coming soon. Issues with baby #1's school (guess she's not such a baby anymore...). We have so many pressing decisions to make. I do great work in therapy, but it all seems to go out the window in times like this, and my husband gets the worst of it. I'm on the verge of tears, irritable, and can't seem to find my kindness no matter where I look (words I often say to my toddler but seem to be saying all too often myself now as well). Send help!

Overwhelmed in Oklahoma

*****

Dear Overwhelmed in Oklahoma,

That’s SO much! It’s hard enough to have all those stressors, but I think it’s harder to feel yourself reacting in ways you don’t like.

The way you see yourself in these moments is maybe the biggest burden you carry. And, it's because you really want to be kind, steady and loving to your people. I bet you go to therapy so you can “work on you.” And I bet you’re exhausted.

You remind me of a client I had years ago. She cared so much about being a good parent and partner. Her world sounds like your world. It’s a lot. So, of course she too was irritable and often on the verge of tears. Anyone in your collective shoes would feel overwhelmed. My client started to only see her faults. She believed that if she could fix herself, things would be easier. According to her, she was the problem.

Can you take a second glance with me? Rewind your day - look for all the times you bent down - pregnant belly and all - to listen to your toddler. You comfort your bigger baby while you have a small human growing on the inside of you. That image alone is incredible.

Your eyes, your face, your touch - the smallest interaction of love is one you take for granted. I bet you don’t even notice yourself in these beautiful ways. If you could see yourself through your toddler’s eyes - you would marvel.

The best of us have the worst inner critic. And, that critic is panicky. She deals with feeling overwhelmed by thinking, “I have to be better or the whole ship will go down.”

And she wants to be in charge. She probably wrote your letter.

I have an inner critic too. The other day, I was in the kitchen, barking orders at my kids. I just kept noticing all the things that were wrong. And then I remembered - I do this when I’m overwhelmed. So, I said “I’m sorry, kids - I’m doing my thing. I think I feel overwhelmed. It doesn’t actually matter how the dishwasher is loaded.”

I mean…it does.

But, you get me. The connection with my people is more important than an orderly house. My inner critic would say, “It would be better to not bark orders in the first place.” But, the core of me says “Actually - a parent that can rupture and repair is what my kids need. Being real is more important than being perfect.”

Love toward my inner critic and yours,
Red