Skeptical in Mississippi
Dear Red,
I am expecting my second baby soon, and I am starting to get nervous about how it will impact my relationship with my husband. After our first child, we hit a bit of a slump as we tried to navigate our new roles as parents. We have talked about that and I think we have made some progress, but I'm still worried about what introducing a new baby will do. What can we do to shore up our relationship before the baby gets here and then keep it strong while we transition to a family of four?
Skeptical in Mississippi
*****
Dear Skeptical in Mississippi,
Oh, how I love your question. If every couple wanted to get their relationship baby-ready (and actually did something about it) - I think we could possibly have world peace.
Pre-marital counseling isn’t what people need. Pre-baby counseling is where it’s at.
I could give you practical tips as you transition to a family of four, but none of those things would have staying power. If you can, I think you should go to couples counseling. Yes, even if your relationship is good. I promise, it would be the best investment you’ll ever make, and your whole family will benefit.
A strong and steady foundation with two people who are emotionally accessible, responsive and engaged is the requirement to be able to handle the inequality that happens once you bring that sweet baby home.
People often want help in how to equally distribute the mental or physical load that comes with being a parent. Even if you could do that - if you feel the other person just doesn't have your back - no amount of folding the laundry will help. Yes - we should share the load (pun intended). For sure. But imagine if it’s shared and it comes from a place of connection, not out of duty or trying to stave off resentment. That’s the goal. A shared load that is the natural outflow of being deeply connected.
The reality is - it will never be functionally fair. The woman carries the baby, births the baby and often does a lot of the heavy lifting during the first year (feeding, waking up in the middle of the night, etc). There is just no way to balance that scale.
You HAVE to have emotional equality. You need to know that you can rely on each other emotionally and that your bond makes it safe to do so. Couples therapy is the best way to get your relationship baby-ready. (We have a particular bias toward Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy or EFT, but you already knew that). If you can’t afford couples therapy, consider doing online interactive EFT at a fraction of the cost (we get no kickbacks from promoting this). You could also read Hold Me Tight.
Here’s to you as you get your relationship baby-ready,
Red