Trapped in Tullahoma

Dear Red,

I think I have relationship anxiety. I really want to be married one day, and I don't mind going on dates. But once things start getting serious... something changes for me. I feel trapped, and the pressure to know what my "plan" for the future is makes me stressed out, even paralyzed. When I'm actually in the same room as the guy I'm dating now, I have fun. I think I like being around him a lot. But when I'm alone with my thoughts I start to question everything, and wonder if I'm even attracted to him. Is something wrong with me?

Thanks for your help.
Trapped in Tullahoma

*****

Dear Trapped in Tullahoma,

I’m so glad you wrote! First of all, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. In fact, I think you’re speaking to something a lot of people experience and don’t know how to talk about.

The switch that you’re talking about - when things get serious - that’s worth paying attention to. Something about being close is scary for you. I can hear in your letter that this is something you try to manage.

On one hand, you can have fun when you’re with this guy and enjoy the time together. But, when you’re alone with your own thoughts, the fear isn’t that far away. It creeps to the surface, and you question everything - including your attraction to him. And then I bet that dark hole of thoughts makes it hard to plan for the future. And THEN you’re confused all over again when you’re with this guy and you’re actually having fun. So, it’s a constant back and forth.

I see this as being two parts:
1) The fear that happens inside of you when things start to get serious.
2)The pattern you get into as a reaction to that fear (the in-your-head analysis paralysis).

The pattern we get into as a reaction to our initial emotion is a trap within itself. You describe being in close relationships as being trapped - but I wonder about the pattern you get into within yourself. Is that the real trap?

Woah, right?

This is most people’s story, by the way. We’re so stuck in our own reactive pattern that we can’t objectively choose anything. We’re just constantly reacting.

I have my own version of this and so do the people I love the most.

The best thing you can do is seek help for the original fear. Have you ever taken your own fear seriously? Your body is trying to tell you something. What do you think it is? My guess is it has less to do with the person you’re with and more to do with your history of what it means to be close to someone.

By the way, not being attracted to someone as a response to relationship anxiety is a defense mechanism. It’s an awful one. It’s something that you can’t help and probably something that would be near impossible to talk about (especially to the guy you’re dating). Just hear it from me - you make sense in context.

Here’s to fighting the real trap so you can safely navigate your own emotions as they relate to being close to someone else. From there, you can choose and plan for the future.

Cheers to getting untrapped,
Red