Torn in Tennessee
Dear Red,
I love love and I wonder if I will ever be happy with someone. I weigh pros and cons, analyze left and right, and am seeking a feeling that I know can be fleeting. My intellectual mind knows what is good, safe, healthy and my heart never feels satisfied with that. I feel torn between making what feels like a wise and healthy choice vs waiting for something truly magical. I feel guilty having thoughts like, "Is this it?" I want more. I don't know what to do with holding both of these things. How can I decipher between head and heart? Are they both ever fully aligned?
-Torn in Tennessee
*****
Dear Torn in Tennessee,
The last time I couldn’t get my head and heart to line up, I was making a choice between two different people. One was interested in me, but wasn’t ready to fully commit. He and I had chemistry and our values lined up. The other was all in, but we had already tried dating and broke up. He wanted to try again and had done some soul searching. With both people, I felt a spark and could see a future together.
Which one do you think I chose?
I chose the one that was ready. I was ready and so was he. Fast forward 20 years, and we’re still going strong! When I was choosing, I wish I could tell you that I figured out a head/heart formula and then made the right choice. But, I don’t think there was a right choice. There’s definitely no formula.
Anyone looking for love is taking a risk. There’s no perfect relationship or perfect person - but there is a world in which you can make magic together. All you need is a few ingredients.
When it comes to love - there’s danger in overthinking. If you overthink to the point of being paralyzed, you might be alone forever. There’s also danger in not thinking. This could lead to one bad relationship after another.
Hyper-vigilance (overthinking) and/or hypo-vigilance (missing important red flags) are a direct result of previous relationship insecurity. In other words, constantly scanning the scene for issues is one way to protect yourself. The other would be to not see the scene at all.
Assuming you’re an overthinker and the magic you’re looking for doesn’t exist - do you think you could make magic with someone? Could you think a little, feel a little and risk a little? It shouldn’t be all thinking, all feeling or all risking.
You sound like a wonderful person and very deserving of love. I truly hope you build it with someone just as wonderful as you.
I also love love,
Red