Figuring Out Forever in Florida
Dear Red,
I just got married a few months ago, and I love my spouse more than anything. But I’ll be honest, marriage is already feeling harder than I expected. Everyone talks about the honeymoon phase, but we’ve had more disagreements than I thought we would this early on.
It’s not like we’re fighting all the time or anything major is wrong. It’s little things like how to divide chores, how we spend money, even what to watch on TV. Sometimes, I wonder if we’re arguing about the small stuff because we’re avoiding bigger conversations about things like kids or our future plans.
The thing is, we were so good at communicating while we were dating. Now it feels like we’re misunderstanding each other more often. I don’t want these bumps to turn into bigger issues later. Is it normal to feel this way so soon?
I want us to start off on the right foot, but I feel a little lost on how to do that. Any advice would mean a lot.
Figuring Out Forever in Florida
*****
Dear Figuring Out Forever in Florida,
I love your intentionality. I can tell you really value what you have with your person, and you want to make sure nothing goes uncovered.
To answer your first question - it’s totally normal for things to shift right after saying, “I do.” Some couples talk about noticing a difference on the actual honeymoon.
Long term relationships have to be able to evolve. With evolution, things have to be shaken up in order to get to the next level. You can see this as a good thing! What you had while you were dating worked for that phase of your relationship.
Now you need something more. And that makes sense - you’re in for the long haul, and that requires a really strong and steady foundation. You’ve built the first part, but these small disagreements are trying to tell you something.
Regardless of what you’re trying to tackle (big or small things) - it’s the way the conversations go that matters. In the beginning, you might argue more than not because you haven’t found your rhythm yet.
The ebb and flow of connection is healthy. There’s no such thing as perfect and constant connection. Couples that are able to rupture and repair quickly and effectively have a strong bond. Over time - that bond protects them. They’re able to let go of small things and tackle big things with love. There’s trust between them - and they’ve earned it. I’ve never met a couple that didn’t have to work to get that.
You’re in the earning phase. Are you able to have arguments and also find your way back to each other? Do you feel comfort and resolution after you’ve made up, or is it more like “agree to disagree” or “avoid to move on”?
If you feel you’re able to rupture and repair in an effective way (so you feel full resolution after making up), I say there’s nothing to worry about! But, if you feel that you might be getting stuck and trust is starting to erode - maybe it’s worth looking into couples therapy. If you’re proactive, it will save you in the long run! It’s easier to tackle now rather than risk things getting worse over time.
There are excellent EFT therapists in Florida. Go to iceeft.com for a directory. If you’re in the Nashville area and reading this, click here and we can help!
With you!
Red