Sad in Savannah

Dear Red,

A few years ago, someone in my family died by suicide. While we knew that they had struggled for a long time with depression, it still came as a shock. Will my grief always feel this raw? How can I even attempt to process this painful event? Will I ever get over their death?

Sad in Savannah

*****

Dear Sad in Savannah,

I’m so sorry for your loss - it’s unimaginable, traumatic and probably incredibly heavy to carry.

You asked if it will always feel this raw, how to process this and if you will ever “get over” their death. Before I make any attempt to answer those questions - let me share what I know about grief.

It’s an expression of love. You don’t want to not grieve.

In the words of Washington Irving:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”

Having said that, losing someone to suicide is traumatic. When trauma and grief are intermixed, it’s common for people to get stuck. If you feel you haven’t processed the trauma aspect of the loss - you may want to seek some professional help. Once that’s processed - the natural grief of losing a loved one happens on its own. 

Over time, your grief will change shape. It won’t always feel like it does now. The sharp edges will soften, and love will take up more space than pain. You’ll still miss them -  that part doesn’t go away,  but the missing will begin to coexist with moments of peace, even gratitude. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means finding a way to carry their memory forward, with tenderness instead of torment.

If you are reading this and are local to Tennessee, our EFT therapists can help you move through the hardest stages of grief. Click here to get started.

With you,
Red