Grieved in Greeneville
Dear Red,
My partner's mother recently passed away and I feel so lost in what to do. She was sick for quite a while with a terminal cancer diagnosis, so it was not a shock when she passed. We were all very close to her mom and are of course devastated by the loss. It seems like any time I try to comfort my partner they get angry or pull away. The only thing I'm able to do is give space and care for our son, but I don't think this is going to be enough in the long run. I'm afraid this is going to be a tipping point for our whole family and I'm bracing for the impact.
Grieved in Greeneville
*****
Dear Grieved in Greeneville,
Thank you for sharing your pain during this incredibly difficult time. What you're experiencing is a common, though heartbreaking, dynamic that EFT calls the Pursuer-Distancer cycle.
Your partner's anger or withdrawal is likely a protective move - a way to contain the overwhelming pain of their grief. They're distancing because the feelings are too big. Your attempts to comfort, while loving, may be heard as demands for connection they can't meet right now, leading them to pull back further.
The key is to shift your stance:
1. Acknowledge, Don't Comfort
Stop trying to fix the pain. Instead, simply validate the enormity of their loss without demanding a response.
Try saying: "I know this is unbearably hard. I'm here for you if you need me."
"I see how much you're hurting. I'm not going anywhere."
2. Share Your Own Vulnerability Softly
When you share your own feelings, focus on your soft emotions - the sadness and fear - not on the relationship's survival.
Try saying: "I'm giving you space, and I understand you need it. I also want you to know that I'm really sad too, and I miss feeling connected to you. It makes me feel a little scared when I can't reach you. I just wanted you to know where my heart is."
This gently invites them back into connection without pressure. This grief doesn't have to break your family; it can be met with gentle, honest presence.
If this push-and-pull feels too heavy to manage alone, know that you don't have to navigate it without support. Grief is a huge stressor, and working with one of our specialized EFT therapists can help both of you break out of this cycle and safely share your underlying needs with each other. We are here to help you strengthen your connection even through this profound loss. You can learn more here.
Be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this hard time.
With You,
Red