Mad in Madison
Dear Red,
My partner and I recently moved in together and I'm starting to see the little things that I cannot stand about them. It's like everywhere I look there is a little red flag of irritation. I really love this person, but I don't know if these things are messages to me that I need to end it or if it's just the way it is living with someone. It's not huge stuff, just little things like not rinsing the dishes, or parking in my spot or using the same towel for 3 days in a row. I know they are small but they're making me CRAZY. I don't want to fight over all of these things for the rest of my life. Help me!
-Mad in Madison
*****
Dear Mad in Madison,
It’s completely understandable that these small things are causing such big frustration. These aren't just habits; they're triggers for deeper emotional needs.
Your partner's actions may be activating a fear that your needs won't be met, making you question if you can truly count on them. This isn't a sign the relationship is doomed; it's an opportunity to build a stronger bond.
To address this effectively, you need to go beneath the surface of the issue.
Connect to the emotion: Instead of focusing on the dirty dish, talk about the feeling it creates. You could say, "When I see the dishes in the sink, I feel worried that my need for an orderly space isn't as important to you." This is vulnerable and invites empathy, not defensiveness.
Identify the cycle: Notice the pattern: a triggering event, your hurt or anger, and your partner's potential defensiveness. By recognizing this cycle, you can both learn to step out of it.
Talk in a calm moment: Schedule a time to talk about these feelings when you're both relaxed. The goal is to share your emotional needs and for your partner to have the best opportunity to respond with care and understanding.
This is a beautiful moment of growth for your relationship. You're learning that love means safely sharing your vulnerabilities and trusting your partner to meet you with empathy.
If you and your partner would like to work through these issues in a supportive environment, click here to get started with couples therapy.
With you,
Red