Miffed in Memphis
Hey Red,
I'm not sure where to start or what the real issue is here. I can't seem to put my finger on it, but I know something is off. I've been married for 7 years, we have 3 kids (4 and under). Sometimes I feel like my husband is mad at me or doesn't like our family. I know that sounds strange, and we never really fight, but I have this feeling in me that something is off. I know that I'm conflict avoidant, but I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked and he says he's fine, but it seems like I get this feeling more and more often. What do I do?
Miffed in Memphis
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Dear Miffed in Memphis,
Your gut feeling isn't a sign you're paranoid; it's a profound form of attunement. You're picking up on subtle cues that indicate a breakdown in the emotional bond, a feeling of being unsafe or alone within the relationship.
This is the very core of what we work with in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). When you feel that your husband is "mad" or doesn't like his family, what you're probably feeling is a sense of emotional isolation. Your husband's verbal reassurance ("I'm fine") doesn't match the feeling of distance you're sensing, which creates a deep confusion and fear.
The silence and conflict avoidance you describe are part of a classic negative cycle. In this cycle, you sense a disconnect, and because you're conflict-avoidant, you might withdraw or hold back. In turn, your husband may be feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood by the demands of life and family, and he might also withdraw, creating more distance. This cycle, not a lack of love, is the real enemy.
The goal isn't to start a fight, but to break the cycle by creating a moment of safe emotional connection.
Express your vulnerability without accusations: Instead of asking, "Are you mad at me?" try a more vulnerable approach. In a quiet moment, you could say something like, "Lately, I've been feeling a little lonely and disconnected from you, and it makes me feel scared. I miss us." This statement is about your own experience and opens a door for him to respond with empathy.
Identify the cycle together: Once you've opened the door, you can gently bring up the pattern. "It feels like when I sense you're distant, I get quiet, and maybe that makes you feel more alone, too. It’s like we're in a cycle, and I don't know how to stop it." This frames you as a team facing a problem, rather than two individuals fighting each other.
Invite him to turn toward you: After sharing your feelings, give him a simple invitation to reconnect. "I'm not sure what's going on, and you don't have to have the answers right now. I just wanted to let you know how I'm feeling and that I'm here for you, too."
Your intuition is a powerful compass. Trusting it and using it to guide you toward a deeper, more vulnerable conversation is the first step toward healing the emotional distance you're feeling.
You might be in a place where simply following the prompts above won’t help (you’re too stuck in the pattern). If that’s the case - you can click here to get started with one of our EFT therapists. Our therapists are licensed to see clients throughout Tennessee, including Memphis, through virtual therapy sessions.
With you,
Red