Tired in Murfreesboro

Dear Red,

I'm worn out. My kids are little tornadoes. I've got a five-year-old and a three-year-old, and they are into everything. Everything! It's a constant battle of wills. One minute they're best friends, the next they're pulling each other's hair over a toy. They're loud and they never seem to stop moving. I feel like I spend my entire day saying "no," "stop," or "share."

I try to be patient. I read all the parenting books, I try to implement gentle parenting, but some days I just want to hide in the closet with a cup of coffee and lock the door. My husband tries to help, but he works long hours, so I'm mostly on my own. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of losing my temper, and then I feel guilty afterwards.

I know this is a phase, and I know I'll miss these days someday, but I'm just struggling to keep my head above water. How do I maintain my sanity when I'm constantly surrounded by chaos? How do I teach them to share and cooperate without resorting to yelling? And most importantly, how do I find a moment of peace?

Any advice would be a lifesaver.

-Tired in Murfreesboro

*****

Dear Tired in Murfreesboro,

Just reading that makes me tired. Haha! You’re doing great, Momma! Before I offer any advice - I just want to say, this really is a hard, hard time of parenting. No advice or tips makes this phase easier. Having said that, I will leave you with one of my favorite sibling rivalry hacks:

Your kids are young, but not too young to learn how to fight. We often think the goal of parenting siblings is to keep them from fighting - but, let’s face it - no amount of good behavior can keep you from having conflict.

I think most people try to avoid conflict. Make sure your own conflict avoidance doesn’t get projected onto your kids. Without meaning to, you could be sending the message, “Behave better and there will be peace.”

That may be true (and who doesn’t want good behavior!), but peace isn’t as good as the ability to effectively repair. Side note: repair does not look like: “Say you’re sorry.” Your kids aren’t sorry. But, they’ll get there if they have the opportunity to express themselves and eventually connect.

When you teach kids how to fight, it’s actually easier in the long run because the solution is their relationship, not your constant management of their behavior.

If you agree that rupture and repair is the basis of a solid connection (for yourself and everyone around you), you can teach it to your children.

Here’s something I did with my kids from as early as 2 years old. When they fought over a toy or started hitting each other - whatever the “tornado” of the hour was - I would get down on the floor with them and just make them look each other in the eyes.

The goal was to have them simply share how they felt. Usually when they made eye contact, they started laughing - forgot what they were fighting about and went back to playing. But, as they grew older - the repair got more sophisticated. At first, they would say “I feel like YOU…” and I would have to gently nudge “No - just what you’re feeling, not what you think about your sister.”

Now, they’re 16 and 14 and they do it on their own. If I try to help, they say “Mom, get out of here - we’ve got this.” That makes my Momma heart so happy.

I learned EFT early on in my parenting career. The goal of EFT is to help couples, families and individuals build secure bonds - with themselves and others. That requires rupture and repair.

EFT helped me with the framework for this little parenting hack I’m telling you about. But, actually - the idea came from an older mom in my life. She said, “The key is eye contact.” And you know what? She’s right. Just get your kids to at least look at each other - the rest comes naturally.

And, maybe hiding in the closet with a cup of coffee with the door locked is a temporary solution to your tornado situation, too!

Brave the storm with connection,
Red