Torn in Tacoma

Dear Red,

My relationship has been struggling lately. There’s tension between me and my partner — we’ve been fighting more, and I’ve been feeling really distant. I know we need help, but I’m stuck on one big question:

Should I go to therapy alone, or should we do it together?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the one who needs to work on things. Other times I think, “This is a relationship problem. We both need to be there.” And honestly, my partner isn’t totally sold on the idea of counseling, so part of me wonders if it’s worth starting alone.

How do I figure out if I need couples therapy, individual therapy — or both?

-Torn in Tacoma

*****

Dear Torn in Tacoma,

You’re asking the exact right question — and honestly, I hear this one all the time.

When a relationship feels off, the first thing most people wonder is: Is it me? Is it them? Or is it the space between us? And from there comes the real head-scratcher: Do I go to therapy alone, or do we go together?

Let’s take a deep breath and unpack it.

If what’s going on feels like it lives in how you two talk (or don’t talk), how you fight, how distant things have gotten — then couples therapy is probably the place to start. Couples therapy isn’t about choosing sides or figuring out who’s more messed up (I promise). It’s about looking at the pattern that’s got you stuck and figuring out how to get unstuck together.

The relationship becomes the client — not just you, not just your partner. It’s like zooming out and saying, “Okay, what’s actually going on between us?” That’s where real change starts.

But if what’s happening in the relationship feels tangled up in your own internal stuff — maybe old wounds, past trauma, fear of being vulnerable, or just a big question mark about whether you even want to stay in the relationship — then individual therapy can be a better place to begin.

Here’s the thing: doing your own work doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong work. In fact, a lot can shift when just one person shows up differently. (And sometimes, when your partner sees you doing the work, it makes them more open to doing it too.)

Also — it doesn’t have to be either/or. Sometimes people do both. They work on themselves and show up for couples therapy too. That’s not overkill. It’s just being honest about how layered things can be.

So if you’re googling “couples therapy vs. individual therapy” and feeling like the internet is giving you the shrug emoji, here’s my take:

Start where you can. If your partner’s not ready for couples therapy yet, go solo. If you’re both open to talking together, great — start there. If you’re overwhelmed and don’t know what you need, tell that truth in the first session and let your therapist help you sort it out.

Fact: Going to therapy for relationship problems isn’t waving the white flag. It’s saying, “I care enough to not just let this slide.”

You’re not behind. You’re not failing. You’re just ready.

With you,
Red