Triggered in Troy
Dear Red,
I’ve been reading about attachment styles, and I think I’m starting to make sense of why my relationship feels so confusing. I’m pretty sure I have anxious attachment - I get really activated when my partner pulls away or doesn’t respond right away. I try to play it cool, but inside I’m spiraling.
My partner seems more avoidant. They shut down or get quiet when things get tense, and it makes me feel totally abandoned. It’s like the more I reach, the more they back off. Then I get mad, they get defensive, and we’re stuck.
Does this sound like a thing? Like… is this just us being incompatible, or is there a way through this? I don’t want to keep repeating the same cycle, but I also don’t know how to stop.
Triggered in Troy
*****
Dear Triggered,
Oh yes - this is very much a thing. You just described one of the most common patterns I see in couples therapy. It’s called a pursue/withdraw cycle, and it shows up all the time when someone has anxious attachment and their partner leans avoidant. It’s not because you’re broken - it’s because your nervous systems are trying to protect you in opposite ways.
Let’s break it down.
People with anxious attachment in relationships tend to fear disconnection. When things feel off, your system goes into hyperdrive: “Where are they? Are we okay? Do they still care?” You try to talk, reach out, solve - not because you’re needy, but because closeness feels like safety.
Your avoidant partner, on the other hand, likely learned somewhere along the way that big emotions or conflict aren’t safe. So when things feel tense, their body says: Retreat. Stay quiet. Don’t make it worse. It’s not that they don’t care - it’s that they don’t yet feel safe enough to stay close when things get hard.
So you pursue. They withdraw. You panic. They shut down. You both feel alone.
It’s painful. And totally normal. And here’s the best part: you can absolutely change it.
That’s where attachment therapy comes in. The goal isn’t to make you less anxious or them less avoidant - it’s to help you both feel secure together. In therapy, you learn to recognize the cycle as the enemy, not each other. You start saying things like, “When I don’t hear from you, I get scared I don’t matter,” instead of, “Why do you always ignore me?”
The more you both understand your own patterns - and the deeper fears underneath them - the less reactive things become. You start to soothe the panic instead of escalate it. You build trust. You learn that closeness doesn’t mean danger - it means healing.
So no, you’re not doomed. You’re just wired in different ways that can absolutely be rewired - with the right support, time, and care.
If you’re ready to explore this, look for someone trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or who specializes in attachment therapy. It’s life-changing stuff.
Rooting for you and your beautifully imperfect love,
Red