Nervous in Nebraska

Dear Red,

My partner and I are thinking about starting couples therapy. We’ve been struggling with communication and connection for a while, and lately, every little thing seems to lead to tension or distance. But honestly, we’re scared.

We don’t know what to expect. What if it makes things worse? What if we hear something we can’t un-hear? I think we both worry that walking into that room means admitting we’ve failed — or that this is the beginning of the end.

Is this normal? What actually happens in that first session? We want to try…but we’re afraid.

-Nervous in Nebraska

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Dear Nervous in Nebraska,

Yes. It’s normal. All of it.

I wish I could bottle up how many couples have walked through my door holding exactly what you’re holding — hesitation, hope, fear, and the quiet question: “Is this the beginning of the end?”

Here’s what I’ll tell you.

Coming to couples therapy doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you care. It means you’ve noticed something slipping and, instead of ignoring it, you’re choosing to turn toward each other. That’s not failure — that’s courage.

Let me paint a picture of what the first session might actually look like.

You’ll both sit down, like you said, nervously. One of you might speak first. Sometimes, people cry before they say a word. Sometimes they joke to break the tension. Sometimes they sit in silence and stare at the floor. All of it is okay.

A good couples therapist isn’t there to take sides. They’re not a referee. They’re not a judge. They’re a guide. Someone trained to understand the patterns you might not even realize you’re stuck in — and help you both see the way out.

That first couples therapy session is really about understanding what brought you there. We ask questions, not to dissect you, but to listen for the thread of disconnection. We want to understand how each of you learned to love, to fight, to protect, and to pull away. Underneath every argument is something tender — a need, a longing, a fear of not mattering.

And some of them are worried about the same thing you are: What if it brings things up we can’t un-hear? And my answer is: If it’s there, it’s already in the room with you. Therapy doesn’t create the crack — it just helps you finally look at it together. And more importantly, to know what to do with it.

The goal of that first session isn’t to solve everything. It’s to start the process of being seen. For each of you to hear the other differently. To find a safe place — maybe for the first time in a long time — where someone helps you stay in the conversation when it gets hard.

One more thing: Therapy is not about deciding if you should stay or go. It’s about creating the conditions where that answer can become clear. Sometimes couples come in on the brink and leave more in love than they’ve ever been. Sometimes they leave with clarity and kindness, choosing to end things with dignity. But most often, they stay — and do the work.

Whatever happens, walking into that room means you’re showing up for your relationship. You’re choosing us over me vs. you. And that is a beautiful beginning.

With so much respect,
Red