Concerned in Clarksville

Dear Red,

I feel completely helpless. My 13-year-old son has started isolating himself. He spends all his time in his room, playing video games or scrolling through his phone. He barely talks to us anymore, and he's completely withdrawn from family activities. He used to be so outgoing and social, but now he seems like a completely different kid. He refuses to participate in family dinners, avoids eye contact, and gets defensive if we try to talk to him about anything personal.

I'm worried he's depressed or being bullied, or that he's involved in something he shouldn't be. My husband thinks I'm overreacting, that it's just a normal teenage phase, but my gut tells me something's wrong. We've tried talking to him, we've tried setting boundaries, but nothing seems to work. He just shuts us out. I feel like I'm losing my connection with him, and I don't know how to get it back.

How do I get him to open up to me? How do I know when it's time to seek professional help? I'm so scared I'm going to lose him.

-Concerned in Clarksville

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Dear Concerned in Clarksville,

I read a book once, called “Hold On to Your Kids” by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld. I read it when my kids were little and still apply the basic premise now that my kids are teens.The title alone says it all.

The connection with our children doesn’t have to be perfect all the time - but it’s one we should fight for. We need to “hold on to them.” When they stop talking or show signs of depression/anxiety, it's our job to pursue them. I know that this gets more complicated as they become teenagers.

Many people expect teenagers to be angsty, sullen and somewhat difficult. It’s true that this developmental stage requires kids to push the boundaries a bit to separate themselves from you.

But, they still need you. Maybe more now than ever! These kids in adult bodies, exposed to adult content - they are going through huge transitions. They are facing big existential questions: “Do I like me?”, “Do I belong?” and “What is the point of me?” This is not the time to leave them alone.

Dr. Becky Kennedy of “Good Inside” (parenting coaching platform) encourages parents to be sturdy leaders. If I put myself in your shoes, I can see there’s a temptation to not provoke for fear that your son will go further away from you.

I say trust your gut. Go after him, like a good sturdy leader. Get your connection back. If there’s too much in the way, then yes, it’s worth getting professional help.

My advice is to try to find a therapist that will involve you in the therapy process. With EFFT (Emotionally Focused Family Therapy) - we first look at the whole family system to see the bigger picture (meaning, the therapist tries to meet with as many family members as possible for the first session). Then, when the dynamic that needs the most work or has the most opportunity for change is narrowed down, the therapist helps that relationship.

Once that bond is solidified, it’s something you can build off of for years to come. If the connection and line of communication can come back, you can weather any storm together. As your relationship gets stronger, you’ll be able to simultaneously tackle whatever is happening (too much gaming, bullying, etc).

I wish more parents looked for family therapy. You don’t have to be a “messed up” or “broken” family to really benefit from family therapy.

If you believe your role is important and that your son needs you - include yourself in the solution.

At Red Therapy Group, we have three therapists who work with families: Cindy, Sandra and Mandy. Reach out today if you would like to get started!

In the meantime, thank you for writing. Your worry comes from a beautiful place of care.

Hold on to your kids,
Red