Missed in Manchester
Dear Red,
My partner and I are stuck in this weird place. It seems like no matter what I say or do they blame me. Sometimes it feels like my existence is offensive to them. I know they love me, and I love them, but I also want our relationship to grow, not just stay in this strange spot. If I tell them I feel like they’re avoiding me they accuse me of guilting them. If I say I don’t like how they handle something they respond with “I can’t do anything right.” If I just say “I feel bad right now.” They say “I don’t know what to do with you.” How do I ask for things to be different without setting them off? They aren’t angry by nature, but it seems like no matter what or how I ask they feel like I’m attacking them.
Missed in Manchester
*****
Dear Missed in Manchester,
Do you know about attachment strategies? I think what you’re describing is a pursue/withdraw pattern.
You sound like a pursuer (anxious attachment strategy). Your partner is probably a withdrawer (avoidant attachment strategy). A long time ago, I wrote a love letter to pursuers. I sent it to a mailing list of almost a thousand therapists. I knew it would hit a chord among all the anxiously attached. Here are my words from years ago:
You aren’t wrong. You’re completely alone and your protest is RIGHT. And, it’s true. If you didn’t fight - nothing would happen. After all, you’re the reason you and your partner are in my office.
But, oh the shame. You’re wondering deep down, “Why won’t anyone fight for me? For us? Is everyone just placating? Is the goal for me to be calm and happy?” You tell yourself, “Ok, I’ll try that.”
BUT DAMN IT. You wind up right back where you started - alone.
I see you. You come into session, anxious and ready. You interrupt and make your point. You make it again. And again.
You feel your own anger rise and you know you’re justified. You have to say more because if you don’t - no one will know and no one will see. Not only do you need your partner to get you - now you need your therapist to get you. And you’re so aware. You know exactly what’s happening. You’re taking internal notes on every move in the session. You’re keeping track and also ready to burst at any moment.
When I get in there with you and move toward you in your anger - you love it. And you make your point again. No one’s really gotten in there with you. Everyone’s been too afraid and so you’ve been left alone. You can hardly believe I’m there.
I won’t leave you. Actually - if you stand up in distress, I’ll stand up with you.
I will not leave. I will move my body closer to yours.
I’m not afraid. I know you’re desperate. And I know the louder you get, the more desperate you are.
You look at me with disbelief. Why are you here? Why are you in the forbidden place? This is where I push people away. Why are you here?
And then, when you realize I really am here, and I’m not budging - the tears fall.
You show me the soft and tender part of you that has always had to fight and strategize. Under the fight is a single tear, streaming down your face. It says “Help me. I can’t actually do this on my own. I’m out of options. Nothing works.”
Your partner sees the tender part of you and gets excited. This pisses you off.
I know, I know. Here it is again, right? “I just need to be calm and happy. Anything other than anger.”
Listen. That’s not the full story. I’m not leaving. I can handle your anger. Of course your partner can’t - it’s designed to push people away.
I’m not going away. One day, you’ll know that you’re strong enough to be soft. You can have what your heart knows is right. You won’t be doing it alone. Your partner will take a risk, and you’ll feel that. You won’t trust it at first, and that’s ok.
You’ll do it together. And, when we’re all done with therapy - you won’t be the needy one. You’ll be together - emotional equity like it’s meant to be. It’s what you’ve been fighting for since you were little.
With Love,
Red