Hard Pill to Swallow
Dear Red,
My husband is a sexaholic, and over the years, he has had many indiscretions. The last one nearly broke me; it involved our nanny. While they weren’t sexually intimate, they engaged in an emotional affair, and he even considered leaving me for her. She was 25 years his junior and an immigrant who, after everything came to light (as it always does), seemed only interested in a green card. He was played, and I was left to decide whether to stay or go.
Since then, we’ve participated in an intensive weekend program, and we’ve both worked hard on ourselves. Our marriage is better than it has been in years, and we even renewed our vows. It sounds like a happy ending, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, I still can’t seem to move past this betrayal. It’s been over a year, yet I find myself easily triggered. I cry uncontrollably when I’m alone, and I can’t shake the thought that this was an emotional affair, which feels even more hurtful than a physical one.
While I can rationalize that she duped him, it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow. How do I get past this? We are in a much better place now, but the hole in my heart remains unhealed. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to leave. Yet, I know the grass isn’t always greener, and he is my best friend, which makes his transgression that much harder to forgive and forget.
-Hard Pill to Swallow
*****
Dear Hard Pill to Swallow,
I’m so glad you wrote. I know there are many people out there reading this who also cry alone. Your honest and raw emotion, written and posted for all to see - it connects the heartbroken.
Of course you’re having a hard time. This is a major betrayal. And, it’s complicated. There are all kinds of rabbit holes your brain could go down. Here’s what I imagine it might sound like in your head:
Should I feel less hurt because he fell victim to being played? Does it help to know he’s a sexaholic and therefore this is not really about me? With all the work we’ve done, and our marriage being better than ever - shouldn’t I feel happy? Is it easier to just leave, even though he’s my best friend? Could I be happy again? Ever?
Your thoughts and feelings make so much sense. You’ve lost your footing and you’re trying to find yourself again.
In my experience as a therapist, I find most people in your shoes don’t know the science behind their trauma responses. Some don’t know that what they’re experiencing IS a trauma response.
Trauma isn’t just about childhood abuse, PTSD from war or a natural disaster. It’s an event that would overwhelm anyone’s resources. Our brain registers relational threat in the same way that it does physical threat. So, your brain is on high alert for your own safety. You’re essentially stuck in a fight, freeze or flight mode. And, that’s exhausting.
If I could put you in a bubble and freeze time just to give you space to heal - I would. That’s what I would do for all my clients impacted by betrayal trauma.
Your question to me, “How do I get past this?” I don’t know. Your path is unique, and no one can give you a formula for healing. My hope is that in time and with love, you’ll feel like yourself again. I think there will always be a scar, though. You’ll never forget. But, this doesn’t have to break you. Who you are at the core is still in there.
In the meantime, if you think it’ll be helpful - check out this video series Kelly Bourque, LMFT (owner of Red Therapy Group) created for people recovering from betrayal trauma. It has 37 short videos, broken up into topics. In the series Kelly explains the neuroscience behind trauma responses - it helps people feel less crazy about their symptoms. You can preview 4 videos for free here.
With Care,
Red