Heartbroken in Hoboken

Dear Red,

How do I get over my ex? It’s been years and I still love them. I have tried to move on, date others, no contact, but I always go back to wanting them and wanting to be with them. Why am I so obsessed??

-Heartbroken in Hoboken

*****

Dear Heartbroken in Hoboken,

Your broken heart is proof that you are beautifully alive.

What is that quote?

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. -C.S. Lewis

I don’t know you, but I can’t help feeling a bit protective of you and your broken heart. Was it a good relationship? Did you feel you both wanted to work on the parts that weren’t good? Did you feel safe? Did you feel delighted in?

I have children, and they haven’t started dating yet. My Momma heart is terrified for when they do. They’ll fall in love, and regardless of who does the breaking up - all the hearts get broken.

At least for a bit. I once heard someone say that if it’s really love, you don’t get over them until you love another. That feels a little much (like can we really not be ok on our own?) - but let’s look at the laws of attachment. Maybe there’s a little truth in that sentiment.

If being attached is encoded in our DNA for human survival, it makes sense that detaching would be complicated (even if the relationship wasn’t good). Regardless of the quality - my guess is that the relationship wasn’t all bad.

Back when I was dating and breaking up, I had a mantra: “Stand on the rock of no friendship.” I was looking for lifelong love, and I didn’t want to waste any time with someone that I wouldn’t be with forever. Maybe that’s intense. And maybe intense is ok.

My Momma heart says, “Stand on the rock of no friendship. Let yourself feel lonely. Instead of settling for something or someone to relieve the difficult feelings - know that you are worthy of incredible love.”

My therapist brain wants to track the pattern you get into when you’re reminded of your ex. I bet there’s a logical explanation to your emotional world. Maybe you think a broken heart needs fixing, and you want to figure out how to make it all go away. Sometimes that looks like communicating with them, sometimes it looks like distracting yourself and maybe sometimes whatever you do is a bit self-destructive.

I don’t know how it looks for you exactly, but do you find yourself right back where you started? With no good answers and still feeling a longing without a place to put it? What if the longing really has nothing to do with your ex?

Your longing for love is proof that you are beautifully human. And to fix a broken heart is to make you a robot. What if we’re meant to be broken?

Proud to have a heart that breaks,
Red