Nutty in New Orleans
Dear Red,
How can it be that as a therapist I cannot slow down and connect with my husband when he gets so lost and triggered ? I CANNOT DO IT! I feel so exhausted... and I feel that as long as we get stuck in that place I won't be able to go forward. I am up there in a meta position, and then down there with him, and there's not much place to be with myself ! I sometimes think I go crazy... and that I explain things over and over again... but when I try to be empathetic he rejects it big time... !!! It drives me nuts and I lose hope in my ability.
-Nutty in New Orleans
*****
Dear Nutty in New Orleans,
Oh, no! Do you have it too? A therapy voice in your head? She narrates what’s happening, what you should be doing, what he should be doing. She dictates what you could say, should say - and it IS crazy making.
This happens to most therapists. I suspect it also happens to anyone that’s been in a lot of therapy.
Here’s the deal. Of course you can’t slow down and connect with your husband when he gets lost and triggered. Nor should you be able to.
When he gets triggered, you do too. That’s kind of the law of attachment - we can’t talk ourselves out of being affected by the ones we’re trying to be close to.
So, even if you have the best of intentions and you actually do know “the right answers” - Therapy Voice is basically a threat response in disguise. She’s tricky, that one.
Essentially - in those moments, Therapy Voice goes, “Oh! I got this. I’ll fix it.” And she means well.
But she’s masking the most honest version of you. What would you be saying if you didn’t have Therapy Voice in your head? “THIS SUCKS! What is happening to you? You’re being a jerk!” Therapy voice says, “That’s not helpful - don’t say those things. He’s triggered and needs your compassion.” So, you try.
The irony is, because you love him and you’re attached - in those moments, you’re the last person that can slow things down. When he gets triggered, you do too. Remember? It’s the law of attachment. No one is immune to it, not even therapists.
Somewhere along the way - people who have been inundated with therapy think mental health should equal being good, never reactive, behaving well and at all times showing compassion.
Well, I’m here to say it isn’t possible, and that message actually makes things worse.
Try taking the pressure off of you. Start with trying to recognize Therapy Voice and see what else is happening. What is she masking? If you’re still stuck - why not go to couples therapy? There are some great ones in New Orleans!
Solidarity,
Red